The following drugs are awaiting FDA approval. Researchers are invited to submit all relevant clinical data.

shaymitol(tm). Symptoms: multiple, including an inability to refuse an invitation to appear on television; a willingness to live in a completely televised environment; an incapacity to see oneself as ludicrous and/or clown-like; and a compulsion to expose inner thoughts and feelings to as large an audience as possible. Related pathologies include the need to write books detailing career and/or personal failings, incest and/or sexual abuse, and the incompetence of one's parents. Similar pathologies include the need to write books detailing career and/or personal successes, sexual triumphs, and the brilliance with which one raises one's children. Shaymitol(tm) blocks the "broadcast function" of the frontal lobe, creating in the user a sense of the need for privacy and discretion. In smaller doses it is effective in dealing with extremely large people wearing extremely small bathing suits. Side effects: diarrhea, depression. Expected approval: Autumn 2001.

teletaxis(tm). Symptoms: the compulsive use of the telephone to speak in a robotic, programmed tone of voice while attempting to sell inferior and/or unnecessary products. Symptoms include the inability to understand the phrase "I'm not interested, thank you"; the incapacity to break out of the rotely memorized script; the unwillingness or inability to pronounce correctly the simplest, most basic Anglo-Saxon surname; and the need to speak words quickly but without completely understanding what the words mean. Related pathologies include the creation of voice-mail messages, the design of "telephone menus," and the recording of the phrase: "Your call is very important to us. All other customer-service personnel are assisting other customers. Please hold on, and the next available representative will be with you in a moment." Teletaxis(tm) floods the brain with a powerful anti-stimulant designed to suppress the desire, and the ability, to use the telephone in this manner. Side effects: diarrhea, depression. Expected approval: 2004. In clinical trials.

taxitol(tm). Symptoms: an inability or unwillingness to understand the concept of "other people's money," most often found in governmental/bureaucratic communities where there is widespread gathering and use of other people's money. Symptoms include the obsessive/compulsive need to spend such money, the psycho-aggressive behaviors associated with collecting it, and the paranoia resulting in being asked to account for it. Related pathologies in the for-profit sector include: hidden service charges, "processing fees," outrageous shipping-and-handling charges, and the collected business practices of the Microsoft Corporation. Taxitol(tm) floods the brain with a (patented) chemical compound that reduces and/or eliminates the joy associated with spending other people's money. Side effects: diarrhea, depression. Expected approval: 2002.

mobiletonin(tm). Symptoms: inability to leave home without a mobile phone; unease and distress at scanty cell-phone coverage; inappropriate loudness while having mobile-phone conversations; obsession with phone size and/or dimensions. Often accompanied by the following repetitive disorder: patient using phone can be seen walking along, cocking head in different positions, repeating "Can you hear me now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now? What about now? What about now? Can you hear me now? Hello? Hello? What about now?" Mobiletonin(tm) activates receptors in the brain to create a psycho-chemical block in the user rendering cell-phone use unpleasurable. Side effects: diarrhea, depression. Expected approval: 2002. In clinical trials.

happycampervenol(tm). Symptoms: use and overuse of current, irritating catch phrases, such as "I'm a happy camper," "Don't go there," "It's all good," and the like. Related pathologies include the use in business and/or finance circles of such phrases as "value-add" and "core competence." Symptoms are sometimes a sign of "brain lock," in which these behaviors supplant other, more productive, behaviors. HappyCampervenol(tm) releases tiny amounts of serotonin-like compounds in the brain, allowing the user to contemplate alternatives to the use of the rote phrases, especially the alternative of remaining silent. Side effects: diarrhea, depression. Expected approval: Winter 2003.

organoiatonin(tm). Symptoms: fear of food and/or food additives, obsession with agricultural engineering, incapacity to eat anything without a detailed fact sheet, overriding concern with phantom food allergies, and fear of cheese. Related pathologies include the interrogating of waiters, late-night Internet research into the "protein of the Incas," interest in and the cultivation of exotic, tasteless greens, and the boycotting of certain fish. In extreme cases, pathologies can include chaining oneself to a Hormel plant, wearing a "Meat Is Murder" T-shirt, and eating only beans and quinoa (see "protein of the Incas," above). Organoiatonin(tm) creates an uncontrollable urge in the user for burgers and fries. Side effects: none. (Diarrhea and depression are already present in the user.)

larry king suppressant (product name TBA). Symptom: being Larry King. Side effects: none. Fast Track.

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COPYRIGHT 2001 Gale Group